7 Stages of My New Butt

Taken from the April 2010 Parent's magazine:

7 Stages of My New Butt
By Kari Anne Roy

Stage 1: DENIAL This isn't a new butt. It's the same awesome butt you had the day you got married.

Stage 2: SHOCK Well, technically it is the same butt, but for some reason it doesn't fit into the pants you wore last year-before you got pregnant. But there's no way your butt could be so drastically altered by having a baby. Could it? OMG!

Stage 3: ANGER Fine. It's not the same butt. It has curves and divots and new places sweat. It follows you wherever you go. Stupid, annoying but and it's stupid, annoying cellulite! Is it possible to get a restraining order to prevent it from stalking you?

Stage 4: DEPRESSION No dice. It turns out you can't get a restraining order against your own body. And if you inquire about it people laugh at you. And that make syou cry. As do the elastic-waist pants you just bought, even tough you are nine months postpartum. Those lying liars who said "nine months on, nine months off" must have gotten to keep their original cute butt.

Stage 5: GUILT You are a grown woman. You have a degree. You know that women should be-and are-more than just hot bodies. You know objectification is cruel. You've read the magazine articles that tell you how awesome you are. You created life! And yet...this butt. It's won't go away!

Stage 6: FEAR You probably have Flesh Expanding Butt Disease. It's very rare, but if you get FEBD your butt will eventually consume your entire body, preventing you from leading a normal life. There is no cure for this horrible ailment. Best to just go buy a bunch of sweatpants.

Stage 7: ACCEPTANCE Right. So it isn't that bad, really. Your new butt does come with some features. It's easier to close the car door now. Your kids have something to hang on to in the grocery store. And your husband likes it. A lot. In fact, your new butt is kind of growing on you...